You Can’t Tell Me Nothing

The nerve of some people. I was eating a banana, and someone actually took time out of their day to point out to me that I peeled the banana wrong. That I’m supposed to peel from the bottom up, which is actually, anatomically, from the top down. She said that monkeys and chimps have been eating bananas correctly for ages, and that only now did we humans find out that we were wrong.

Oh. I’m sorry, Jane Goodall.

…What the fuck is so wrong about peeling a banana from the stem down? It’s how I’ve done it since I was a toddler, and it’s kept me content ever since. This isn’t fugu. I’m not going to die from peeling a banana incorrectly.

And as far as I’m concerned, I’m not peeling the banana incorrectly. Why? Because at the height of human achievement is a working hoverboard. The height of primate achievement is the ability to pee into its own mouth.

I’m real freaking sorry that I choose to believe my own actions over that of a monkey.